My Religion

I was raised Methodist, and in the town I grew up near, most people my family and I associated with were also Methodist. My grandparents went to the same church I did and we were all very active in it; my grandpa had help build the church and my parents both taught Sunday School, as had my grandma.
I think I'm one of the few people in the country, or at least one of the few gay people, who wasn't traumatized by religion. In fact, to be honest, I had a pretty positive experience with my church in general. The worst I can say about it was that it was usually pretty boring and, as a child, it seemed incredibly "uncool" at times. I did go through a couple phases in my childhood where I began to wander down that road of becoming a jesus-freak but luckily it never went too far or lasted very long.
I'm always very proud of the fact that even at a very early age I began questioning (and hence, understanding) religion. Once when I was at my grandparents house, I held a plate in my hand and told my Grandmother "if God is real, then he can prove it to me by making this plate rise up into the air." Of course the plate didn't rise, and my Grandma tried to explain that "God doesn't work that way" but the wheels were already turning!
What I liked best about church was the community and the sense of belonging. My church was very significant to my development as a musician, as I was encouraged to not only sing with the congregation, but also solos, and to play piano and various other instruments. Each time after I would perform, people would always come up to me and tell me how wonderful I was, which was always very nice to hear!
I guess I was really lucky in that, my freshman year in high school, my family moved off our farm and to a bigger town 40 miles away. Because my family didn't really have the social ties anymore at the church in our new town (peer pressure!) and just because we were growing older and were busier with other things, we never started going to church in our new town.
Back when I did go to church, it was always a peaceful experience. Our church was fairly lax in comparison to some of the horror stories you read now about the midwest. Our pastor was always pretty laid-back and would sermon about love and peace. I never really heard anything bad about homosexuality from a religious point of view although I knew that the bible was against it; I think that was more from the media though rather than actually having been taught at my church. I think that people in my church probably didn't like to talk about that sort of thing, and we were so far removed from any signs of it that it just wasn't discussed.
As I entered college and made some friends who were pretty outspoken in their atheist beliefs, I converted to atheism (not in an official way, such as the way I was baptized and confirmed to the Methodist church) and began to get angry with religion. I think my anger was fueled pretty much 100% by current events in the media but then extended to include the proliferation of Christian Student Organizations on my college campus. As an editor of the yearbook and newspaper, I learned that several of the biggest organizations on my campus were these sort of religious groups who received funding in part from my tuition. I was outraged and once, upon voicing my disdain, was actually slapped across the face by a member of one of said groups. I didn't even have to respond; everyone in the room witnessed the glaring irony in the situation.
My hatred of religion came to an all-time high during the presidential elections of 2004 as the issue of gay marriage and "good old-fashioned morals" came to the forefront and divided the nation in half. I grew suspicious of friends and relatives from back home, mentally making a list of who I thought might vote for Bush, or against gay marriage, and condemning them to my "never to speak to again" list.
A couple years later and wiser, I think I have put my qualms with religion into a little broader and hopefully more fully realized perspective. I understand that my positive experience with religion early in life wasn't typical of a lot of people that I came to know later in life but that, nonetheless, it was part of who I am. I am proud of my church for the lessons I learned there and I do attribute many of my better judgement and personality traits to my religious upbringing. However, I also understand how religion has been used and abused by people throughout history and it has been the cause for persecution and hatred. Even today I cringe to hear about the religious right and their constant attempts to ban abortion, stop gay marriage, or condemn those who live differently. But I understand that it's these people and their fucked up views, their small minds, their lack of education or life experience, their fear, their addiction, and their own insecurites and demons that cause this, not faith. True faith, in my opinion, is just something that people have in their hearts which serves as a moral compass and a reason to strive to be the best person one can be. Religion - to me - is an attempt to share that faith with others. The problems lies in that fact that people are different and not everyone is going to have the same type of faith, the same use for faith, or the same way of expressing that faith. When someone is expected to "convert" or "recruit" others into their religion, this is a problem and the inherent cause of most of the evil associated with religion today. This opens the door for all types of abuse of religion, and it becomes a tool of repression and fear.
I feel sad that religion has become so bastardized and such a paradox of what it really should be, but I ask you to look at government, the media, industry, society... which of these hasn't devolved into being some sort of parody of itself?
To me, education and awareness is the key. It seems on one hand, those who are what I consider to be "smarter, more educated, and more wordly" are people who can separate church and state, and who either don't practice any religion or keep it to themselves for the most part if they do. Those who are struggling, grapple for what they can, and often time religion seems an easy way for people to gain some (false) confidence, awareness, or superiority which they know they are in actuality sorely lacking. Once someone has put themselves in this vulnerable position of using religion as a crutch to replace something that is missing in their lives, then they run the risk of being controlled by those higher up in the organization. To me, the 2004 election is a grim indicator of this phenomenon. Millions of Americans brainwashed to work as cogs in the machine for an administration they didn't really understand and most likely would disapprove of if they had the education and conscience to do so.
In summary, I am ashamed at what religion has become and I do not and will not promote it in it's current form. However, I do value the experience I had within my church and feel I need to stand up and make it known that it is still possible for people to have faith and believe in something bigger than themselves without hurting anyone else.