Do you really want to hurt me

I am literally feeling sick to my stomach, and head, after the CA Supreme Court hearings on Prop 8 today. The outlook does not seem good from what I heard/saw/read... it worries me and I hate being worried. Especially considering how long this has been drawn out. I did not move to California almost a decade ago to be faced with ignorance, religious persecution and intolerance but that's exactly what I've been up against for the past year or so now. Obviously those small-minded assholes have been here the whole time but never were their opinions and their religious preferences thrust on me in such a personal and demeaning way as they have been with Proposition 8. I hate that I have to blog about this shit all the time but this is what I live with. I live with people that I don't know making decisions about my future based on their backwards religious "beliefs" and their ignorance. Dealing with assholes in Kansas was one thing because I was young, placated by the system, and quite used to narrow-mindedness. I don't even judge Kansas based on that, I realize that people who live insulated lives are going to have archaic opinions and it's not necessarily even their fault; they have been raised a certain way and told certain things for their whole lives and often they have not had any other influences or experiences to counter all that. But in California, people should know better. The very nature of California, from our history to our climate, should inspire people to become better, more aware, and more accepting. I think we are still feeling the horrible after effects of 9-11. Maybe if 9-11 hadn't happened, people would all have equal rights by now in California, if not the entire country. But it did happen, and it sent people running scared back into the churches, susceptible to the rantings of power hungry and ill-informed 'messengers of god' whose need to stay in control and retain a status-quo that is neither truthful or realistic is cloaked in biblical red-herrings meant to scare the droves of followers into submission. It makes me feel nauseous to contemplate what time of a world we live in right now that people are so full of fear and hate that they spend so much of their energy and chakra trying to destroy other people's lives. I'm not even talking about evil people who have evil thoughts and intentions, I'm talking about otherwise good people who have started this witch-hunt crusade against the newest acceptable minority group to bash which is the gays.
It's unfathomable (yet, at the same time I guess completely expected) that despite all the patting ourselves on the back that we have done as a nation about how far we've come in terms of civil rights, that we've elected an African American as president and that women and people of all nationalities are finally being seen in all types of positions of power in this country, that all we have really done is shifted the focus from one whipping boy to another, so to speak. Since Prop 8 has passed, the amount of hate crimes - vandalism, beatings, rapes, murders - has either escalated to horrific new levels, or the light has finally been shown on these atrocities which have probably been happening all the time but left in the dark. It scares me to think that I am just one instance of being in the wrong place at the wrong time away from being beaten and killed just because my life partner happens to be the same gender as myself.
Sometimes it's not enough to day dream about moving to Canada or one of the other MANY countries where gays are not treated as second class citizens, sometimes I can honestly say I just get tired of even living in this world at all. I'm a fighter, and optimist and a dreamer but sometimes it's too much even for me. Sometimes I really just want to say, this world is sick and it's no good for me anymore, goodbye.